


Tell the Truth (and Shame the Devil)

by thisbluespirit



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Community: crossoverbingo, Crossover, Gen, Humor, Noodle Incidents, Truth Spells, i should probably apologise to Goofy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:15:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21618979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisbluespirit/pseuds/thisbluespirit
Summary: A trip to L. A. goes wrong thanks to an accidental truth spell. Which is particularly unfortunate when someone has something on their conscience...
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills & Lucy, Evil Queen | Regina Mills & Snow White | Mary Margaret Blanchard, past Regina Mills/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19
Collections: Crossover Bingo





	Tell the Truth (and Shame the Devil)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the square "Truth Spell" for crossoverbingo Round 1, and takes place post-canon for OUaT and somewhere in late S3 (or possibly the vague nowhere period of "Boo Normal") for _Lucifer_.

Halfway down the street, Regina’s cell phone rang. She wasn’t all that sorry to be interrupted. She’d spent enough time recently in a world without magic not to be as excited about this trip as Snow and Lucy, but Lucy, being far too much like her father, had secretly entered an online writing competition and managed to win the second prize – a day at Disneyland, California. Snow had instantly seized on it as perfect great-grandma/great-granddaughter bonding time and, as Regina had been pretty sure that Snow and Lucy shouldn’t be let out alone in the outside world together, she’d agreed to come with them. 

So, here, they were, having a week in LA around the Disney thing. It had been enjoyable so far, Regina was willing to own, though she’d bailed on Disneyland and left that to Snow. (How it went exactly she didn’t know, because on getting back to the hotel yesterday, all Snow had said was “Don’t ask.” Lucy had seemed pretty happy, though, and that was what counted.)

“Lucy?”

“Hi,” said Lucy on the other end, breathless. “Grandma – I mean, Regina – we’re in trouble.”

“What kind?”

“The kind,” said Lucy, “where we sort of got arrested and we’re at the police station now.”

Regina stopped. “I left you having hot chocolate and cupcakes! What the hell did you do? Did someone come after you? Who?”

“No-o,” said Lucy. “It’s a bit complicated – can you get here quick, please? I’m not sure what they might do to great-grandma and we need you, because –” she caught her breath, “I’ll tell you everything then but first you have to get here!”

Regina wasn’t about to ignore a cry for help, least of all from Lucy. “I’m right on it, don’t worry, sweetheart. I’m sure there’s been some mistake. We’ll soon sort it out.” She lowered the phone and headed off to find the nearest police precinct. Any member of the LAPD arresting her granddaughter, or Snow for that matter, would soon learn the error of their ways. She hadn’t spent all those years as mayor of Storybrooke for nothing, even if she couldn’t use magic out here.

“Lucy,” said Regina, finding her sitting on a chair in a small room in the precinct, kicking her legs and scowling at the wall. “Now tell me what’s going on.”

Lucy looked up and flung herself into her arms. “Regina!”

“Come on,” said Regina, extricating herself gently from the embrace after a few moments. “What happened?”

Lucy took a deep breath. “Well, it’s partly my fault because of the magic bottle. I took it from your vault. I’m sorry, but it said ‘for emergencies’ on it and I thought we might have one. And then, well, I accidentally spilt it all over me and Great Grandma in the café.”

“I have got to get better security,” said Regina. “Okay, what was it?”

Lucy gave her a tragic look. “Turned out it was a truth spell, and that’s what went wrong.”

Regina raised her eyebrows.

“It might have been okay if it hadn’t been for Great Grandma and Goofy. When that police officer came up and asked us if anything was wrong, she told him everything that happened with Goofy yesterday! Like, _all_ of it! And then they arrested her for assault.”

So far had been usual; that was new. Regina blinked. “Wait, what does Goofy have to do with anything? What happened at Disneyland? What did you _do_?”

Lucy sat back in the chair and wriggled, but the spell was still having its effects, and she blurted out, “Great Grandma hit him! But it wasn’t her fault, it just kind of – happened.”

“Okay, okay,” said Regina, holding up a hand. “And don’t worry about the truth spell. Those things wear off soon enough on their own. Just not quick enough to save us all if someone’s in there interrogating Snow. I’d better go find her.” She looked at Lucy. “You wait here – although we will have to have words later about stealing magic out of my vault.”

Regina demanded to be taken to Snow, and a Detective Espinoza had obliged, leading the way, and opening the door to one of the interrogation rooms for her. “Maybe you can clear things up,” he’d said, ushering her in, “because I don’t think he can. I don’t even know why he’s here.”

“I’m here,” said Snow’s interrogator, rising from where he had been lounging in his chair, “because I was asked, Daniel; because I was wanted – unlike you. The lower echelons of your organisation were having trouble and Ms Lopez said it was weird enough for me and – _voila_. Yours truly to the rescue. How could I resist when they said it was a case of grievous bodily harm to Goofy? And now I’m apparently interrogating a Disney princess, which isn’t something you can say every day, even in L. A.”

Snow, on the other side of the table, had both hands clamped to her mouth and a despairing look in her eyes that lightened on seeing Regina walk in.

Regina looked again at Snow’s interrogator, even as he gave her a lingering up and down with all the approval that she couldn’t help acknowledging that she merited, before he stopped and did a double take. 

“Regina, darling, is that you?” he said, giving her a second once-over just to be sure. “Oh, now this begins to make more sense. Not much, mind, but it goes some way to explaining the whole magic business.”

Behind Regina, Detective Espinoza swore under his breath, and left them to it. Regina was beginning to think this place wasn’t much better at proper procedure than Storybrooke’s sheriff’s office.

“Oh, Regina, _thank God_ ,” said Snow, temporarily removing her hands from over her mouth. “I couldn’t help it. Did Lucy explain?”

“Can we not bring Dad into things?” said Snow’s interrogator, which pretty much clinched it. “We were getting along so well without him.”

Regina stepped forward. “ _Lucifer?_ What are you doing here? Working for the cops? Seriously?”

“I’m a consultant,” said Lucifer leaning forward to kiss her on both cheeks. “I help bring killers to justice in my own unique and special way. And what about you? I didn’t expect to find you in L. A.! A different look this time round, I see, but every bit as fabulous. Congratulations.”

Regina smiled. “Thanks. It has been a while, hasn’t it?”

Snow’s eyebrows rose. She lowered her hands from her mouth again. “Regina? You know this person?”

“Funny story,” said Lucifer. “Usual tedious, smoky day in Hell and she walked in, alive and kicking and looking for the Underworld. Which you could call Hell, of course, except she didn’t think it wasn’t the one she wanted. Hell didn’t seem to have its usual effect, either, and she put that down to magic. Nothing like that ever happened before, so it was quite the red letter day.” He gave a slow smile. “For multiple reasons.”

Regina avoided Snow’s gaze. “It was a long time ago, okay. I was trying to find something. Got the wrong realm.” 

“Yes, a black magic gizmo to use on some annoying princess you wanted to kill,” said Lucifer. “Not that I could be any help – not my style, despite the bad press. Still,” he said, with a wink at Regina, “it was fun while it lasted.” Then he glanced back at Snow. “Oh!” he said. “ _Oh_. Wait, you must be the princess! But you can’t murder her in here. The Detective wouldn’t approve. Neither would I, come to that. I’m starting to like her. You should see the way she took out Goofy. Best bit of CCTV footage I’ve ever been forced to watch. I told the Detective I wanted all the boring stuff to be replaced with mascot-baiting in future, and I’d bring in complementary donuts, but she wouldn’t buy it.”

Snow’s eyebrows rose so hard that they were in danger of taking off.

“Thank you,” said Regina. “I’m not here to kill anyone – not unless you try to stop me getting Snow and my granddaughter out of here. Anyway, I’ve changed – we’ve worked things out.” She gestured at Snow, with a wry smile; Snow had her hands over her mouth again, but her eyes held an answering glint. “So, Lucifer Morningstar, meet Snow White. Snow, this is Lucifer.” 

Lucifer turned to give Snow a smile. “Oh, no need for formal introductions – we’ve been getting surprisingly well acquainted in such a short time. Does she normally talk this much?”

“Don’t answer that,” Snow put in instantly. “And I know, I know, but I’m sorry. It really wasn’t my fault this time.” Then she clapped her hands over her mouth again.

Regina leant against the wall and folded her arms. “Okay. Now will one or both of you explain what Goofy has to say to anything? And then I trust we can get these ridiculous charges dropped.”

“Unfortunately,” said Snow, putting her hands down on the desk, “I actually did hit that poor guy in the Goofy suit. Obviously, I didn’t mean to, but he was suddenly right there behind me, no warning – and after that whole nightmare thing with the real Goofy –” She shrugged and pulled an apologetic face. “What can I say? I have bandit reflexes. It’s probably as well you made me leave the crossbow at home.”

Regina frowned. “When did you meet the real Goofy? Is there even such a thing?”

“How could you forget?” said Snow. “You know – about a year before Henry’s graduation, when David and I fell through that portal in the water works. That was where we went. I prefer not to talk about it.” She gave a small shudder.

“You can’t expect me to remember every time we lose you two through a portal.”

“Thanks, Regina,” said Snow, and then her face lightened. “Oh, wait, it would have been about the same time as that business with –” She mimed a monster, hands into claws over her head. “And then, oh, yeah –” She pulled a face. “So, yeah, you wouldn’t remember. Probably for the best. I mean, not that you got hit by Arawn’s spell like that, that sucked, but I have to say I think Goofy was worse. I just didn’t think I’d be bothered when it was only people in costumes, you know?”

Regina closed her eyes. “Oh. _That_ time. Okay.” She looked at Lucifer. “She didn’t do this guy any serious damage, though, did she? Come on! I don’t believe it.”

Lucifer lifted his head. “What? Oh, no. No fractures, no fatal haemorrhages, nothing like that. You know, I didn’t understand even half of that. That might be one of the most incomprehensible conversations I’ve ever been party to. And I live in L. A., not to mention being formerly the Lord of Hell, so congratulations. At least it’s more entertaining than I thought today was going to be.”

Snow turned to him, and, as this had practically become a social engagement rather than a police interrogation, she asked, politely, “So, which story are you from?”

Lucifer glanced at Regina, who shrugged. “What a very odd question. Not one most people need to ask. After all, it’s only been outselling Shakespeare for centuries. You’ve got to hand it to Dad, haven’t you? Why, though, is a mystery to us all. There’s no real grace in the prose and the plot’s full of loose ends. Not that Bill was much use at tying those up, either, to be fair.”

“Oh,” said Snow. “Okay. Lucifer as in the devil. For real. That’s new. Ish. But you’re, er, not currently evil as such?”

Lucifer leant back in the chair and said, “No. Not evil. I punish wrongdoers. I’m not one of them. I do, though,” he said, with a wicked look at Snow, who blushed, “know everything there is to know about tempting humans. I should have written the book, not Dad. It’d have been far more entertaining. And instructive.”

“Hands off,” said Regina, and Lucifer threw her an innocent look that wouldn’t have fooled anyone. “Besides, interesting as all this is, it doesn’t solve our problem. I need to get Snow out of this place.”

Lucifer leant forwards. “An escape might be difficult. However, I _can_ go and see this Goofy person and find out what he truly desires. And once I know that, I don’t think it’ll be too hard to persuade him to drop the charges. Not as if it’s a murder, is it? Anything to get you two and your munchkin out of here before the Detective comes back again. Being the most charmingly eccentric person in the conversation is my job, thank you.”

“Persuade how?” said Snow, narrowing her gaze. “I don’t want anyone else beating the poor guy up!”

Lucifer smiled. “Oh, no. I use far subtler methods – usually. As I said, I’m an expert in temptation.” He looked over at Regina. “I think I can get your friend out of trouble – as long as she keeps away from mascots in future. Wait here.”

As he left, Snow turned to Regina. “Can you do something about this truth spell? And don’t say anything about it not making any difference. It’s not funny. As soon as that police officer came up to us, I just confessed everything! And, Regina, I do mean _everything_. I’m surprised he took me here instead of the nearest hospital.”

“No,” said Regina. “Not funny, I agree. Not like this. But don’t worry – those things run out of steam eventually.”

“Eventually?” said Snow in horror. “How long is eventually? Regina!”

“How long has it been since it started?”

“I don’t know – maybe two hours?”

Regina nodded. “Shouldn’t be too much longer, then. Another hour or so?”

“Oh,” said Snow. “Well, that’s something. Still, another hour? I think I might burst already.”

“Maybe less if we’re lucky.”

Snow sighed, and twisted round to try and look out of the room. “Do you think he really will help?”

“Lucifer? As long as nothing distracts him along the way, probably,” said Regina. She stared after him, her mouth curving into a reminiscent smile. “He’s certainly not wrong about the temptation thing.”

Snow shifted gears instantly. “Regina, you _didn’t_! Did you? With the _devil_?”

“Hey, I was a lot worse than he was back then,” said Regina. “And I don’t think anyone else in this family can talk, thanks. It’s not as if he’s a flying monkey. Anyway, I’m not telling.”

Snow smiled. “Oh, yes, you are. As soon we get out of here and Lucy’s not in earshot. These things have to be shared.” Her mood shifted, as she turned back to her own predicament. “What happens if Goofy – the guy in the suit, I mean – won’t agree?”

Regina had been contemplating that herself. She straightened and said, “Then I use any last dregs of magic left in that truth spell to blow the roof off this place and get us all out of here.”

“Well,” said Snow, after a pause, “I suppose that’s comforting to know.” She grinned at Regina. “I’m not sure this realm is ready for us. It’s probably safer for everybody else if we keep out of it in future. I for one am _never_ going near Disneyland again, not for all the gold in all the realms.”

Regina laughed. “True. I’d better go check on Lucy, but we’ll fix this one way or the other. That’s a promise.”

“I know,” said Snow. “Thank you.”

* * *

“Hi,” said a younger girl, who wandered into the little room and sat down beside Lucy. “I’m Trixie. Are you a desperate criminal?”

Lucy put her hand to her mouth, trying to fight the truth spell, but it was a losing battle. She turned her head, took a deep breath, and it all came spilling out: “No, I’m Lucy Mills. My Mom’s Cinderella and my Dad’s the Author. I’m here because my great grandma got arrested for hitting Goofy. She’s Snow White, by the way. The princess, I mean.”

Trixie gave her a hard look.

Silence was bad. Lucy couldn’t stop herself from continuing, “And she’s married to Prince Charming, of course, and my grandma –” she lowered her voice “– is the Evil Queen. Oh, and my other grandma is the Savior.”

“Well, I think princesses are stupid anyway,” said Trixie. “My Mom’s a detective. She catches bad people and locks them away forever. And,” she added, “my friend Lucifer is the Devil. _And_ my friend Maze is a demon and she could kill you just like that.”

Trixie’s mom, having put her head round the door of the room in time to catch most of that, said, “Trixie, honey, what have I told you about telling lies?”


End file.
